Tuesday, April 7, 2015

IFAQ: Sports Talk.

In-Frequently Asked Questions: Sports Talk

Questions about upcoming sports events, sports players, and sports sports sports.

  • Q: According to sportsnat.nat, The Cowgary Flams are Up to their 15th consecutive McSteven's cup. How many games left? They are the bestest team in the world!!
-- McMr McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

  • A: Dear Mr. McHarper, Lucky for you, I have a Pro-Contact in the Sportsnat studio, Gregorie Strongbolonga: "Hey, Sportspans! The Cowgary Flams have one more month of regular season play, and eight games left. Since they are the only team in the International Hoikey League of Canada, they plan on winning their 10036th game, by default, tomorrow (Monday, April 6th) at 8:00 am." 

  • Q: I want to start my own sport. The problem is, the geneva convention keeps getting in my way F***ing way!  It's not fair!  People break bones all the time in Football, Cricket and Rugby!  Why can't we have a game where that's the OBJECTIVE?!
-- Ms. Marry Barry,  Grand Canyon

  • A: Dear Ms. Barry, I questioned the Geneva Convention about your attempts to begin this New Sport, and I was informed, quite voluntarily I may add. According to the Geneva Convention's ancillary Public rule book section 40, page 53 "New Sports will not be accepted without proper paper-work. Ms. Barry's inadequate submissions of smart-phone texting for this sport, which she calls 'Basket Boot', involves neither baskets, nor boots. The brief description of the game involved the 'berating of other players with locally provided weapons'."
  • Q: Which sport is the fastest?
-- Mr. Horrace "Horrible" Guastacho, Seattle

  • A: Dear  Mr. Guastacho, the fastest sport, in terms of speed, is 'Aerial Head-Darts' -- the game which involves wearing 100 meter long cones on ones head, and dropping onto a target. People have managed to reach speeds of over 700km/h. Until only recently this was only a contest, but it was given the sport title, as several teams have been formed.
    The fastest growing sport is "Speed Planting", a tournament which involves growing plants at ridiculous speeds!

  • Q: Very Soon, my sports playing robot will become so powerful that all human athletes will become obsolete, and the world will be MINE!!!  However, there may be a flaw in my otherwise perfect plan...  Are robots even allowed to play all the sports, or are they only allowed to play one sport at a time?
-- Doctor Pitts, Center of the Earth Labrotory, Earth

  • A: Dear Mr. Doctor Pitts, we reccomend building multiple robots for various sports. Teams, if you will, of robots. The Geneva Convention Public Support, regarding a Robot Appocolypse, says  "robots are allowed to play any sport, as long as humans aren't being killed. Robots will therefore not allowed to play the Tentative sport 'Basket Boot'".
  • Q:  Can Anyone defeat me?
-- "The Best", Champion Colosseum, Colorado

  • A: Dear Mr./Mrs. "Best", Legends foretell that there is one who will defeat you. This person, who may or may not have been born yet, has unbelievable powers. You shall now live in the constant fear, until that fateful day that you meet.

  • Q: I'm a semi-proffesional student athlete, so please tell me: How well I did I do on my last Fitness Test?

-- Ms. Kayla Monkeyback, Hairyannna, Montana

  • A: Dear Mrs. Monkeyback , Our records show you scored a 5 out of a possible 500 in your last  Fitness Test (yesterday). Since the scores have been graded on a curve, you got a passing grade.

  • Q: I play a lot of sports, but I'm still an obese blob. Please help me, Dr. Fitman!
-- Mr. Bobby Slobbert, Urban Fatropolis, Fatropia

  • A: Dear Mr. Slobbert, at your request Dr. Fitman responds: "Most people that play as many sports would be much more fit, like me, Dr. Fitman. However, the only sports that you have recorded to play have been computer games. I'm so disappointed, I called your parents, and told them to melt your computers and video games into plastic bubble wrap."

  • Q: I want to be a Referee, when I grow up! Where do I sign up?
-- Mr. Doug Rocks, Goodlands, Alberta

  • A: Dear Mr. Rocks, You may find the applications to this occupation at your local supermarket.

  • Q: I was wondering: Now that's I'm a full grown Ref, I wanted to help my team out be 'accidentally' getting in the way of the opposition's puck, or knocking the players on that team over. Do you know of any other ways I can secretly help my fav team out?  I'm a bit biased, but don't tell anyone. 
-- Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta

  • A: Dear Mr. Rocks. I'm afraid what you are proposing would be technical interference. You may also lose your job.  But... I had one idea: Steal a dropped stick, and act like you were taking it back to the player, but toss it over the netting, for the fans to start raving over. I also had this idea: Scream, like there's no tomorrow, and point in a distracting manner. This might offer a mild distraction, and an opportunity to score. Just make sure it's your team.

  • Q: Who's my favourite teams?
-- Mrs. Nosina Nostrilina, Hamsterdam, Netherlands

  • A: Dear Mrs. Nostrilina, your favourite teams are: The Cowgary Flams, of the International Hoikey League of Canada, the Green Bay Green B's, of the Aerial Head-Dart Federation and the Grand Canyon Caners of the Basket Boot Wrestling League.

  • Q: How many National Hockey League teams will there be in 2025?
-- Ms. Antelope Quilly-Cue, Mr. Pantaloon Quilly-Cue, Footy Mousland, Macavakia

  • A-1: Dear Ms. and Mr. Quilly-Cue, we have to do some quick math, so we called Dr. Mathlete:
    "I decided to make an average.  I averaged the teams, since 1917, included the lockout, and got 15. Since that number has never come up, in 97 years of the NHL, I decided it must be wrong. This became a logical paradox, as Dr. Mathlete cannot be incorrect...  ERROR-ERROR-ERROR"
  •  A-2: I apologize, but Dr. Mathlete needs to be rebooted. So, Using Prediction Technology that I've found, by 2025, there will be 36 NHL teams: 5 of these teams are resurrected / moved. 5 are new expansions: 1. The Quebec Nordiques return to Quebec City, due to low popularity of the NJ Devils 2. Saskatoon gets the San Jose Sharks, and renames them the The Saskatoon Sharks. 3. Tampa Bay Lighting move to Thunder Bay, bought by a famous North Ontario Billionaire. They keep the name, "Lightning" 4. The Quebec BullDogs return, after 103 years, but to St. Johns. They have the least number of players, in the entire league and are bought by the owners of "CAP-IT" 5. Seattle gets the Hurricanes , after a giant hurricane destroys North Carolina, in 2017 1. The Victoria Vampires are part of the new 2018 expansion teams  2. Kansas City Wheat Kings, bought by Wil Wheaton (Over the course of the next five years this franchise will swap 7 owners) 3. Nashville Fishermen. This franchise would not survive a single season in Nashville,  and move to the American East coast, a more appropriate area, where they lasted 5 seasons in Hartford,  as the Whalers, and finally end in 2026   4. Regina gets a hockey team, the Regina Rough Riders  5.  Montana gets a new team, the PipeLiners. Wayne Gretzky becomes the head coach, after his "longing for hockey". The team makes it to the playoffs but loses, in it's second season, but loses after the first round.
    AND that's what will happen with the NHL teams, by 2025.

  • Q: I got a message, from god, that I must be the best curler ever! There's only one problem... What's Curling?
-- Mrs. Sammy Peterstein, New York, Pennsylvania.

  • A: Dear Mrs. Sammy, Curling  is a casual sport. It's sort of like bocce ball, only you play on ice.

  • Q: I want to be the fastest person in the world! How do I send letters to this now Renowned Publication?
-- Mr. Charlie Pillowsworth, Mexico, New Mexico
  • A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to williaint@gmail.com or, if you feel lucky, comments@jollybiscuit.com.  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff" at Happy Cracker. I don't care where you live, Seattle, the Center of the earth, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
    NEXT WEEK'S theme is: 'Help, I'm locked in something!'
    Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental...