Saturday, August 6, 2016

IFAQ: Ignorant or Ignoraunt?

It's time for another Infrequently Asked Questions from 

As per often, two different people have been brought in here. Unlike that last one, in March, these two aren't very famous. They are just your regular random folk: An Ant, from an ant hill, and an Aunt, from a Beauty Parlour. Hosted by the Questioner, who is definitely not a burglar, as he mentioned earlier.

QUESTIONER: I'd like to hear about you, two. Since I've just brought you in a few hours ago. What are your favourite hobbies?
AUNT: Gossip at the local barber shop, or at the market.
ANT: Collecting food for the queen. HAIL THE QUEEN!
Questioner: How much can you carry?
Aunt: Well, I heard Hattie Smith can carry about 30 times her own weight, and she's overweight (I hear her husband feeds her bacon for every meal; just what I heard). I'm much more fit than Her, and so I can lift about 60 times my own weight. I'd say, judging from my own weight, that's about 12 kilowatts. Of course, I don't count my shoes. Wearing them, I might be able to lift 13 kilometres.
Questioner: Pardon me, but that's incorrect. Even strong human people can't lift that much! That's clearly incorrect.
Aunt: I'm sorry, did you just call me a LIAR?
Questioner: No, I mean, but but--
Aunt:  I did not come all this way to be called a liar, or have mine and my and friends integrity criticized! I will leave, if you don't.
Questioner: You know what? Fine. You're right, you can lift 13 kilometres. Let's just hear from Mr. An Ant. How much can you lift?
Ant: I'm only around 1 mg, so 20 kg. 
Questioner:  Very good. Now--
Aunt: Oh puh-lease. He's clearly lying, and you don't doubt him at all? Mr. Questionaire, you have singled me out for the last time. I'm calling the police, for all your racist bias! 
Questioner: Okay, okay, enough. I'm moving onto the next question. Why are you wearing an orange onesie?
Ant: I'm not-- FOR THE QUEEN!
Aunt: Because. I'm from Squaresville. Orange is the hip new trend. Duh.
Questioner: Squaresville, eh? I'm from around... I mean no I wasn't.... I was there.... I visited there, once... long ago... err...  hmm... now that I think about it, you look... familiar....
Ant: So what's the next question, I've gotta get back to the hill, you know. FOR THE QUEEN!
Questioner: Uuhh yes, yes, right. The question. What's the best time of the year?
Aunt: Summer. I hate Winter, and Spring, and Summer, and Autumn and--
Ant: Why, the QUEEN'S Birthday! It's such a celebration!
Questioner: So, you love and hate Summer?
Aunt: It's a love-hate... preference....
Questioner: All right, then. How many fingers am I holding up?
Ant: Five. No, six. What in the QUEEN'S name is wrong with that finger?
Aunt: You know, I had a son about your age, and he had a deformed finger, too.
Questioner: What!? Nobody talk's about my finger in that manner, ya hear? I never even heard about no fingers! Yer all lyin', ya mooks!
Ant: Yeah. Okay. I'm just gonna go home now. You can keep your stupid money.
Aunt: Oh never mind him. that Ant was a no good scammer, anyway. I heard about those guys on the tv.  Now then, i'd like to ask you a question:
Questioner: I don't know... that is highly unusual...
Aunt: Oh shush. You're as much a nuisance as my son, Robert was. That's why they took him to jail, in the first place, you dope.
Questioner: Rob... ert?  That's my name.... I mean, My name is Questioner. QUESTIONER!
Aunt: You just said--
Questioner: I said nothin', see! Now Who's asking the questions, here?
Aunt: Why I --
Questioner: And that onsie looks like a prison suit, not some fashionable get up.
Aunt: Fine. I am a criminal. I was let out of jail last week, and haven't changed from my clothing. I think it fits nice, so there.
Questioner: Then why would you still be wearing a mask, huh?
Aunt: Because I could ask you the same question! And by the way, your "8" fell off.
Questioner: GASP! No, my disguise!
Aunt: Disguise? Tell me, is this you?
Questioner: Yeah. I admit it. This questioner thing, is all a big sham.
"Aunt": ROBERT! C'mere sweetie
 "Questioner":  Ma-Ma-Mother? They told me you were taken away,  to work for a long time! And when dad ran away, I was all alone. I turned to simple theft, just so I could eat! And then... (sob, sob) I... they took the house, so I was on the run, until they caught me. Oh, mother!
Mother Banks: Now, now, dear. Our family has been on the run, for years. Your father and I were on the run from the law, even before you were born.
Rob Banks: On the run?
MB: Here's the story: *Ahem* Now back when we were quite young, the king had invited your father's family and my family to the King's ball and--
RB: Ma, I'm sorry! We can't talk now I'd love to hear the story later, but we's gotta skip this joint! I betcha that little Ant ratted us out! Let's make like an egg and scram!
FOLLOW UP: So... the Questioner has revealed his real colours, and is currently being hunted for crimes he did commit. We'll need a new Questioner, and auditions will be held in the next IFAQ; which will surely include more questions, than this story of a reunited prisoner, and his prisoner mother. We had no idea that the Questioner was really the Bandit, "1337", or that the woman that we brought in was also an escaped felon. In the future, we will do more research on our guests AND our hosts.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

IFAQ Political Debate 2016: The Donalds are in the Cards


This debate is being hosted by, and Mr. The Duck's voice is being translated by (and is no way affiliated to me, the Questioner; and neither are either of of the aforementioned).
The First four questions are based on proving how truthfully the candidates can answer the following 

Question 1: What is your name?
Trump: Donald "The Trump" Trump.
Duck: Quack-qua-quackity-quack quack qakqakzkak quaxiquack
(Whoops, we forgot to turn on the translator)
Duck: Donald "The Duck" Duck.
Q2: What is your age?
T: 36.... And a half.
D: 87.
Q3: What is your favourite colour?
T: My opponent was in a gang, mumbles when he talks and is a paranoid egomaniac.
Host: Please don't tease Donald about his speech impediment.
D: Blue.
Q4: Is your hair real?
T: Of Course.
D: I don't have hair, I'm a duck. My feathers are real.

Q5: This question is for Mr. The Duck. Some say that your "Free Tuition for every duck" policy is radical, biased and unfair to anyone that's not related to ducks. Are these people racist?
D: Feh! Pure haters! I can't believe the nerve of some people, you know.  That's the most horrible form of racism that I've ever heard! There's no way it could be anything but racism! Pardon my French, but these people are worse than Hitler!
Q6: A question for both candidates.  Some argue that there are too many 'Donalds' running in the election, and when polling time comes, they won't know which 'Donald' to vote for.  Which may not be representative of the common voter.  Is it true that the government is run by this one percent?
T: My opponent always gets the last word, will drag the country down with him and doesn't know what makes this country great. What if I said there were too many questions being asked? God bless America!
D: The names are simply coincidence, and shouldn't matter. I represent every American that isn't perfect. Don't Judge people by name alone, but by the actions of their history. It's actually run by the 0.01%.
Q8: For both. There are claims that North America is in a transitional phase. What do you plan to do to balance the budget?
T: My opponent is more interested in Hollywood than Washington, hates Christmas and wears unmatched socks. I'm going to Build America into a New War Monger! Oh, it may cost a lot, but I have a lot of money. It's MY money, of course, so every American (That's you guys), will be the ones paying. I'm speaking in the purely literal sense, though!

D: I plan on making my Uncle, Scrooge McDuck, the treasurer.  He's rich for a reason, you know.

Audience Interuption: Why?

D: Well, he's good with money! And by the way... he's three times as rich as Mr. The Trump. Oh yeah. And that's even after dealing with my rascally nephews. He'll supplement taxes, until America is out of debt. Taxes won't go up, and gas prices will go down. Everything's balanced!
T: Ha ha! My opponent just doesn't get it! He wants to jail orphans and he lisps! I--
H: I've told you before! Don't make fun of his speech, or you'll automatically lose this debate, and you'll be sued and your billions will be taken, and you won't be able to be a president of anything EVER. Y'hear Mr. Tr!?
T: No. You Listen to me. I am Mr. The Trump. And You're Fired!

H: You can't fire me, I don't even work for you!

T: Once I'm President, you will! EVERYBODY WILL! Nyehehehehhh....
Q9: Mr. The Trump, we've heard some very hypocritical comments from you about your dislike of Non-American Americans. Is it true that your own parents yourself, were born in ANOTHER country? Mr. The trump... Do you HATE your mother?
T: My opponent steals candy from babies, has an illegal Cuban housekeeper and wants to invade Poland. You know, I've seen this before! And it was under my opponent's watch. Not gonna happen again, folks. Uh-uh. Noooooway, folks.  
H: That wasn't the Question...
T: You know,  my opponent is unfamiliar with the plight of the working class, runs like a sissy and supports illegal immigration.
H: Again, you're jumping around the question. Please, Mr. The Trump, If you'd please answer...
T: All those rumours were started by my opponent, in an attempt to terrorize me. I will NOT be terrorized into making false claims about my rich-pure American heritage, that goes back thousands of years!
Q10:  Mr. The Trump, We've heard other rumours that once you become the President of the United States, you will build a wall that rivals the great wall of China, not just because it will be built by Chinese, but because it'll be built by the same immigrants that you hope to hold out.  
T: Did you know my opponent was in a gang, treats children poorly and wants to raise taxes. Listen, folks. He wants to take away your guns!
D: That wasn't a gang, it was the Mickey Mouse Club. Millions of Americans were in that club, EVEN YOU! And those other claims are strictly hearsay, so --
H: Please, Mr. The Duck. It isn't your Turn. Now, Mr. The Trump, would you please talk about the question at hand.
T: Oh. Yeah. Everything is true. About the Duck, and me building a wall. See, All Adult Americans will be conscripted to build a piece of the wall, and then generations on your grandkids can say "Hey, my grandad laid that brick". The Wall will not only protect us, but give countless numbers of jobless Americans jobs. Full time Jobs! And Once we've used our cheap labour I'll fire them all, and send them back home... because spies and secret terrorists could be anywhere. We're gonna be a great country again, America! God Bless like minded people.
Q11: Another question about your wall-tower, Mr. The Trump. Sure it's tall, and thick, and we'll probably have to reroute low-flying air traffic because of it. Now, it may be tall and may be a wall... but what if those people you intend to keep out have shovels?
T: Simple Simon. Three steps. 1.Take away their shovels. 2.  Electrify the dirt underneath the wall. 3. Make sure we stop these terrorists by invading their phones, and making sure they aren't communicating with other terrorists. That's just common sense,  folks.
H: But you can't--
T: Yeah, the Electric dirt should take care of those shovels and pick axes.
D: Uh, Mr. the Trump...  that doesn't make any sense! You said you'd take away those shovels... And wouldn't an electrified underground fence cost billions to power each day? Does that mean you plan to raise taxes just to power a fence? And by the way, dirt doesn't--
Q12: Mr. The Duck, please wait your turn! Now then, Mr. The Duck, how do you feel about this "Great Wall of Donald"? 
D: I feel it embarrasses the name "Donald".  And you know, I might change my name, if it ever gets built.  Maybe to Daniel... or Dennis... Or... Donna... Aherm, anyway, when it comes to international relations, it's like Mr. The Trump actually wants to hide within his walled in controlled community. I want to open trades with countries. I am no chicken, like Mr. The Trump, here.
Q13: For both. How many trees do you plan on planting within the next year?
T: None. Zero. El Zilcho! Planting trees is just a waste of my country's time and money!
D: 500, in every metropolitan area. 
Q14: Mr The Trump. You've said that you are above the pope. Do you think that you are a god?
T: I'm above a god! I am THE TRUMP! YA HEAR!?
Q15: Mr. The Duck, You have said that you are an atheist, and don't believe in gods. Does that mean, in your opinion, that Mr. Trump does not exist?
D: I'm quite certain that Mr. The Trump isn't quite as powerful as he claims. And by the way, I'm not an atheist,  I believe in the Hammist religion.
T: My opponent dyes his hair, wants to kill babies and calls and hangs up and--
H: Stop there, Mr. The Trump, it's time to stop your blatant disregard for the rules, and... ooh it's  almost time to start the questions from the audience. Just a few more questions.
Q16: Ahem... Mr. The Duck.  Blue collar America was outraged at your anti-duck-hunting laws.  Everyone's wondering, "What's next?  Anti rabbit season laws?"
D: Now, it's just for anthropomorphic ducks. We think that though your regular ducks are fair game, you should try to empathize with them more, and I'm still against duck-hunting. And, as a matter of fact, I'm opening up free range chicken hunting. People like chicken better anyway, they always say everything tastes like it...  
Onto Rabbit hunting. That could be replaced by chicken hunting, too, I suppose. I hate Chickens. they murdered my parents, after all. It's why I've also thought of instituting Anti-pants laws.
Q17: Waaah? Anti-Pants laws? I don't see what that has to do with chickens! Does this have anything to do with your no-pants attitude?
D: Yes. Trust me. If you don't wear pants, you'll find yourself a lot happier.
T: Folks, my opponent shows poor judgement, wants to raise taxes and has a weak handshake. I once shook his hand, and this was just last week, and his handshake was so limp, I was like "Wow, I've held wet noodles that had a stronger grip than that"!

H: Mr. The Trump, one more outburst like that and I'm sending you to the Saskatchewan desert! 

Q18: Now that more and more celebrities are becoming political figureheads, do you think someone like Kanye West could be president in 2020?
T: Oh, yeah. Like anyone would vote for him. Literally.
D: I concur with my opponent on this one.
T: Have you heard about my opponents anti-life laws? Just ask my good friend, Sarah "The Palin" Palin!

Now then, the next section: Questions from the real live studio audience! 

Audience Question 1: Misser Trump, When'll ya blow'p tha turrarists? And kin we blow'm up any sooner?
T: Well, my friend, we can get started 'soon as I'm In office! You'll see! Oh, and by the way, my opponent is a bigamist, doesn't believe in Santa Clause and abuses his spouse.
AQ2: Mr. The Trump, I've heard from others that building a wall into the stratosphere around America is impractical, expensive and won't help our foreign relations. At all.
T: Oh Yeah? Well they are wrong, and fired.
AQ3: My problem is with your elimination of Obama-care,  Mr. The Trump! Ya see, My child has been cured of cancer, and aids on Obama-care!  I also know of a friend who's child was cured of that new form of the black plague, and that was on Obama care, too! Does eliminating Obama care mean that the children will be put back on these deadly diseases?
T: I'm sorry you feel that way. But did you know, my opponent gets expensive manicures, is related to Hitler and talks out of both sides of his mouth.
H: Is that a... well, I guess that's more of a comment on lying. Continue.
AQ4: Yo, T-dog.  We's all knows about da Wall to Mexico,  Or Great Wall ah Donald, or whatevs. But what about dat other country we border? You know? Canabis?
H: Canada?
AQ4: Yeah. That guy. Are we gon be buildin' a big wall between us an dem?
T: I never thought about that. But... why not? They recently adopted a million ISIS Refugees. I kid you not! We only let the people we think should be in our country, in our country. 'Merka.
AQ5: This ties in with the last question. What about the states like Alaska, and Hawaii.  Do they get walls, too?
T: Yes. But only if I get a second term, folks!
AQ6: Mr. The Duck, we've heard many things from Mr. The Trump, ranging from your relationship to other world leaders, to your weak handshake. Will you be organizing weekly trips to the moon?
D: Since it takes more than a week to get to the moon, no. But the Mighty Ducks (from the Show, not the movie... or the hockey team) are working on monthly trips.
AQ6: Oh. Sure. Great. I'm sure Mr. The Trump could make weekly trips to the moon...
T: Not just weekly, daily! Oh, and you wanna know what else, folks? My opponent has nine toes, can not lead and waddles when he walks.
D: I don't have nine toes, I have 6! And I waddle, because I'm a duck, you moroon!
H: Okay that's enough name calling, Mr. The Duck!
D: ME? He's been ragging on me this entire time, spreading lies and continually making fun of my speech impediment! OOH. That's it. I'm quitting this biased and idiotic Debate! Quackarzx qua-quackx zqqxzzquzxkxzazxuzxkquaack!!!!
T: Me? Whaa'd I do? Everything I've said is true! A vote for me is a vote for you!

H: Well, I guess this debate is over. Until next time: This is an IFAQ Political Debate!

Post Script: Although these comments may seem real, and the studio audience may seem like real live people, asking real questions, there should be no doubt that they actually are real people, and not made up in any way.

UPDATE 2.0: Picture

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

IFAQ: The Fairly Random Edition

Infrequently Asked Question: The Fairly Random Edition 
Questions Generated from Random Probability (Thanks to

Q: How is a ghost gonna jump over a muskrat into a Zebra?
    -- McJunior McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

    A: Dear Master McHarper, The best way for the Ghost to do this is by rusty tricycle, and conveniently placed ramp.

      Q: When is a pigeon going to fling an orange crush into a gopher?  
      -- Mrs. Evangeline Pearson, Ohio, Libya

      A: Dear Mrs. Pearson, the pigeon in question will fling a bottle of Orange Crush directly into a gopher on August 17th, 2016. The time will be Midnight, exactly.

      Q: Why is a pirate ship going to toss a mouse over an Octopus?
      -- Mr. Tasha Goins, British Columbia, New Guinea

      A: Dear Mr. Goins, the curious nature of pirate ships comes down to the simply complex design of their construction. In some rare cases, pirate ships have been seen throwing potted plants in or around greenhouses. The root of the ship's tossing has been concluded to be based on which wood the ship was constructed of. The tossing of a mouse over, but not into, or toward, suggests it was built from a combination of South American Birch and a Northern Lodgepole deciduous bush root.

      Q: Where is my King going to whistle into an ethernet cable, near a goat? 
      -- Mr. Ethan Henry Stuart, Tokyo, Bhutan

      A: Dear Mr. Stuart, your King, Lucia Montano, the Berserk Drug Lord from The Kingdom of Lincoln, could whistle into an ethernet cable near a goat, in Jasper, Alberta. 

      Q: Why is a Knight in Shining Armour going to hop on a plate, around a gazelle?
      -- Jimmy Blanchard Junior, The Death Pluto, Space

      A: Dear Jimmy B. Junior, It's all the rage these days for Knights to hop on plates, around the Antelope type species of mammal. I suspect this Shining knight was merely following the crowd. There is one other, more depressing solution, and that is that he has Quixotiosis. It's a rare form of dementia, in which the sufferer believes common objects are dragons, or enemies, like the fictional character, Don Quixote.

      Q: When is a Jesus going to throw a roller skate near a Cow??  
      -- Mrs. Fergie Rodriquez, Des Moines, India

      A: Dear Mrs. Rodriquez, you can expect a Jesus to throw a roller skate near a cow, in 2037. It's this date that Jesus is resurrected a 3rd time, after being mistaken for a spy, in 2024, and shot 18 times by imperialist Bhutanese rebels. Any how... In 2037, Jesus Comes back, and after getting frustrated with his new roller skates, takes them out to his Country Acherage, and thows the skates into the neighbours field, right by the cow. It takes place around 3:36pm.

      Q: How is a hotel going to skip over a space ship, toward a whale? 
      -- Ms. Patty McGowan, Iqaluit, Malta

      A: Dear Ms. McGowan, it is widely believed that these days Hotels are built with high-tensity hydrolic shock dampers (operated via Master Control Panel, in the Janitorial Closet), which could theoretically launch a 20 storey hotel 50 meters, 164 feet, in the air. This could be enough to skip over a space ship. As long as this happens in a coastal area, and there just happens to be a beached whale, The Question has been answered.

      Q: What is a Friendly Francine going to splash a kitten with, around a camel?
      -- Master Seymour Shoemaker, the Arcade, Syria

      A: Dear Master Shoemaker, this is a tough question, and I needed to consult the Maddening Blogger of East Nebraska, Abby Graham: "Friendly Francine is in quite a pickle. Typically, camels live in dry, sandy places, with little liquids available, for splashing kittens with. the best choice you have is to use sand. Yes, particles can be used to splash, almost as well as liquid, but liquified sand would work even better.

      Q: How is a toilet gonna talk to a man, at a convention?
      -- Lee Guevara Junior, Connecticut, South Africa 

      A: Dear Mr. Guevara Junior, the modern Smart Toilets have speakers in them. If the convention goes long enough, this man may need to go to the bathroom, and that is how.

      Q: How is a hog going to talk a plate into burning itself?  
      -- Mr. Art Dunlap, New Jersey, Kyrgyzstan 

      A: Dear Mr. Dunlap, plates are easily bribed, and are also generally naive.  The hog could offer the plate a measly five dollars, and the plate would burn itself. However, a paper plate should only be offered a dollar, or change, because burning is deadly to paper plates, and it would just be a waste of paper bills.

      Q: What is a bat going to whisper to an elephant, in the RV?
      -- Ms. Malcolm Lange, Arkansas, Ecuador

      A: Dear Ms. Lange, you may be assuming that this whispering may be about a relationship between the bat and elephant, but you couldn't be more wrong. It's gossip about a relationship between the rat and elephant seal.

      Q: Why is a rat screaming at a hat, on top of a matt?
      -- Mrs. Marcel Rubin, Ontario, Cameroon

      A: Dear Mrs. Rubin, the Hat was being a jerk and hatting -- I mean hitting -- the rat's best friend, Harry the elephant seal. The matt was covering a stain from the hat accidentally hitting some Orange crush juice onto the floor.

      Q: Where is a Knight in Rusted Tin gonna jump over a puppy in rusted satin?
      -- Mr. Ric Dudley, West Quebec, Sri Lanka

      A: Dear Mr. Dudley, Puppies in rusted satin are more than plentiful in Nova Scotia. Rusty knights are not quite as plentiful, and are only found in New Saskatoon, on nights when the moon is full. If you can get a Rusty Puppy to New Saskatoon, then you will have to wait until the full moon. The Knight, then, will jump over the puppy as soon as possible. The answer to where, when and how. 

      Q: What is a prince gonna throw into a tree near the start line?  
      -- Mr. Matthew Norman Howell, Michigan, Iraq 

      A: Dear Mr. Howell, the prince's quest is to throw a heap of jelly at the start line, as is tradition. If the prince can't throw ALL the jelly in two tries, then they are banished forever, to the Forbidden Zone. 

      Q: Why is Jesus going to tie a bear to an Atomic Bomb?
      -- Mr. Francine Kerr, Winnipeg, Cuba

      A: Dear Mr. Kerr, this is one bad bear. He was trying to start another World War, and was eating all of Jesus' Fish. The bear is also an opinionated racist, speciest, and practiced Satinism (the religion that finds satin holy). Jesus has plenty of Atom Bombs to spare, in his underground weapon store.

        Friday, July 3, 2015

        IFAQ: Generosity Killed the Cat

        Infrequently Asked Question: Generosity Killed the Cat

        Questions about why, who to and where those fuzzy felines give so much. 

        Q: I was feeding my neighbour's cat, and it gave me a mouse. What's the exchange rate, in Canadian money? 
        -- McMr McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

        A: Dear Mr. McHarper, the cat's mouse is worth almost $0.00001 Canadian, and that's if the tail is in tact.

        Q: Who is the cat that knooooows where it's at?  
        -- Hip Cat, The Alley, YOUR Alley

        A: Dear Mr. Cat, Jimmy Whiskers is the cat who knows where it's at. He also knows where he's at, but he won't tell anyone else. Good luck finding him.

        Q: My cat, Sandy, and my other cat, Sandy, never leave me a present on Christmas. They don't even leave me a gift card. For crying out sakes, I haven't even gotten a happy birthday card from them, in 30 years! They Will both be 50 years old, next week, and I'm not sure if I should give them a Birthday mouse, this year. What should I do?

        -- Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas

        A: Dear Mrs. Happiford, The average lifespan of an average housecat is about 10-15 years. I'm afraid that your cats have been dead for almost 35 years.

        • Q: Oh my goodness! Then who have I been giving Christmas mice to, all these years? It wasn't the Greeks, was it?

        -- Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas

        • A: I'm sorry to say that you've been giving those mice to Old Man Houseboat, your local mouse taxidermist, who has been selling them back to you, and then taking them and selling them back again. For him, it has been a very profitable business. However, he is not Greek.

        Q: Howdy, yall! Our Cat Whippin' races've lost a farmer's ton ah popularity, since last year! I reckon it's to do with how much we tan the hides of our racin' cats. And all them fancy city folks is agin' it!  But how else's we gonna get 'em to run faster?

        -- Ms. Pansy Horseback, Stampede, Calgary

        A: Dear Ms. Horseback, A better method to speed up those cats is to give them catnip-caps, with dangling catnip-mice. It's the economical and ecological method!

        Q: Mr. Spanky is my most prized possession. Why, everyone knows she's the prettiest pussy around! I feed her only the finest of fancy feasts and groom her with the purest diamond encrusted, gold leafed combs.  Now, I know Christmas is still half a year away, but what's the perfect gift I can get for this most purrrrfect specimen of a feline?  X3
        -- Nancy Prantsy, Great Koomunga Junction

        A: Dear Mrs. Pantsy, have I got a secret for you! Down by Uncle Murphy's Farm, there's a big heart-shaped truck. Now, ask him for the "Good stuff", and wink. Then he'll wink, and hand you a bag. Then Purrrrr (And remember to roll your 'r's) and finally give him $40. That's the purrrfect gift for your "purrfect" cat.

        Q: I don't even own any cats but suddenly they're all over the place!  I turned 40 recently, is this supposed to be some kind of celebration?  Should I bust out the roach foggers?

        -- Drew Nottaclu, 345 Westforce lane, Moon Town

        A: Dear Mr. Nottaclu, The cat thing has probably reached it's peak. I think camels will make a comeback, pretty soon... Or Jetpacks. Whichever they invent first.

        Q: Imagine a world where the fine line between animal and man becomes an odd shakey blur;  Where human identity is a faint grey mass without shape, and the hand you once spread butter with is now the paw on the other cat.  And the cat you thought was once your friend feeds the mice and shakes hands with dogs.                                                                                        
        How do cats think?  How do cats FEEL?  What makes a cat really a cat?  Great philosophers would never consider entertaining these thoughts.  But when dead birds start piling up on your doorstep, it might be too late.

        -- Rod Serling, Twilight Zone

        A: Dear Mr. Serling, To answer your questions, we took it to the leading feline zoolologist in Egypt, at the SPHINXOLOGICAL INSTITUTE. They have built a House Cat translator, and it remains the only in existence, to this day. All Cat's speak a form of Ancient Egyptian lost to the pyramids, long ago. According to our English translators, in Egypt, cats only spoken words are "Mee-ahh" (Yeah), and "Mee-ooo" (No). These are the only phrases Cats know, at least in English, or are audible to human ears. So, how do cat's think? "Yeah" . How do they feel? "No". What makes a cat a cat? "Yeah". 

        Q: When was the fuzziest cat of all, "Mortimer Puddyfoot", born? I need to settle a life-or-death argument with my wife.
        -- Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Henry's Pub and Bar, Downtown

        A: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Christine, "Mortimer Puddyfoot" was born August 2, 2017, at 5:00am.
        • Q: We were both wrong! I thought it was August 2, 2017 at 5:01am, and my wife thought at 5:00pm. So long, cruel world!

        -- The Late Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Hell, Downtown

        Q: My curious cat asked me, the other day, "How can I ask you a question"?
        -- Patricia Aardvark, Arkansas, New Jersey

        A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff" at Happy Cracker. I don't care where you live, your Dog House, the Center of Downtown, or even Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
        NEXT WEEK'S theme is: 'Where does that come from?!'

        Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental...

        Tuesday, April 7, 2015

        IFAQ: Sports Talk.

        In-Frequently Asked Questions: Sports Talk

        Questions about upcoming sports events, sports players, and sports sports sports.

        • Q: According to sportsnat.nat, The Cowgary Flams are Up to their 15th consecutive McSteven's cup. How many games left? They are the bestest team in the world!!
        -- McMr McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

        • A: Dear Mr. McHarper, Lucky for you, I have a Pro-Contact in the Sportsnat studio, Gregorie Strongbolonga: "Hey, Sportspans! The Cowgary Flams have one more month of regular season play, and eight games left. Since they are the only team in the International Hoikey League of Canada, they plan on winning their 10036th game, by default, tomorrow (Monday, April 6th) at 8:00 am." 

        • Q: I want to start my own sport. The problem is, the geneva convention keeps getting in my way F***ing way!  It's not fair!  People break bones all the time in Football, Cricket and Rugby!  Why can't we have a game where that's the OBJECTIVE?!
        -- Ms. Marry Barry,  Grand Canyon

        • A: Dear Ms. Barry, I questioned the Geneva Convention about your attempts to begin this New Sport, and I was informed, quite voluntarily I may add. According to the Geneva Convention's ancillary Public rule book section 40, page 53 "New Sports will not be accepted without proper paper-work. Ms. Barry's inadequate submissions of smart-phone texting for this sport, which she calls 'Basket Boot', involves neither baskets, nor boots. The brief description of the game involved the 'berating of other players with locally provided weapons'."
        • Q: Which sport is the fastest?
        -- Mr. Horrace "Horrible" Guastacho, Seattle

        • A: Dear  Mr. Guastacho, the fastest sport, in terms of speed, is 'Aerial Head-Darts' -- the game which involves wearing 100 meter long cones on ones head, and dropping onto a target. People have managed to reach speeds of over 700km/h. Until only recently this was only a contest, but it was given the sport title, as several teams have been formed.
          The fastest growing sport is "Speed Planting", a tournament which involves growing plants at ridiculous speeds!

        • Q: Very Soon, my sports playing robot will become so powerful that all human athletes will become obsolete, and the world will be MINE!!!  However, there may be a flaw in my otherwise perfect plan...  Are robots even allowed to play all the sports, or are they only allowed to play one sport at a time?
        -- Doctor Pitts, Center of the Earth Labrotory, Earth

        • A: Dear Mr. Doctor Pitts, we reccomend building multiple robots for various sports. Teams, if you will, of robots. The Geneva Convention Public Support, regarding a Robot Appocolypse, says  "robots are allowed to play any sport, as long as humans aren't being killed. Robots will therefore not allowed to play the Tentative sport 'Basket Boot'".
        • Q:  Can Anyone defeat me?
        -- "The Best", Champion Colosseum, Colorado

        • A: Dear Mr./Mrs. "Best", Legends foretell that there is one who will defeat you. This person, who may or may not have been born yet, has unbelievable powers. You shall now live in the constant fear, until that fateful day that you meet.

        • Q: I'm a semi-proffesional student athlete, so please tell me: How well I did I do on my last Fitness Test?

        -- Ms. Kayla Monkeyback, Hairyannna, Montana

        • A: Dear Mrs. Monkeyback , Our records show you scored a 5 out of a possible 500 in your last  Fitness Test (yesterday). Since the scores have been graded on a curve, you got a passing grade.

        • Q: I play a lot of sports, but I'm still an obese blob. Please help me, Dr. Fitman!
        -- Mr. Bobby Slobbert, Urban Fatropolis, Fatropia

        • A: Dear Mr. Slobbert, at your request Dr. Fitman responds: "Most people that play as many sports would be much more fit, like me, Dr. Fitman. However, the only sports that you have recorded to play have been computer games. I'm so disappointed, I called your parents, and told them to melt your computers and video games into plastic bubble wrap."

        • Q: I want to be a Referee, when I grow up! Where do I sign up?
        -- Mr. Doug Rocks, Goodlands, Alberta

        • A: Dear Mr. Rocks, You may find the applications to this occupation at your local supermarket.

        • Q: I was wondering: Now that's I'm a full grown Ref, I wanted to help my team out be 'accidentally' getting in the way of the opposition's puck, or knocking the players on that team over. Do you know of any other ways I can secretly help my fav team out?  I'm a bit biased, but don't tell anyone. 
        -- Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta

        • A: Dear Mr. Rocks. I'm afraid what you are proposing would be technical interference. You may also lose your job.  But... I had one idea: Steal a dropped stick, and act like you were taking it back to the player, but toss it over the netting, for the fans to start raving over. I also had this idea: Scream, like there's no tomorrow, and point in a distracting manner. This might offer a mild distraction, and an opportunity to score. Just make sure it's your team.

        • Q: Who's my favourite teams?
        -- Mrs. Nosina Nostrilina, Hamsterdam, Netherlands

        • A: Dear Mrs. Nostrilina, your favourite teams are: The Cowgary Flams, of the International Hoikey League of Canada, the Green Bay Green B's, of the Aerial Head-Dart Federation and the Grand Canyon Caners of the Basket Boot Wrestling League.

        • Q: How many National Hockey League teams will there be in 2025?
        -- Ms. Antelope Quilly-Cue, Mr. Pantaloon Quilly-Cue, Footy Mousland, Macavakia

        • A-1: Dear Ms. and Mr. Quilly-Cue, we have to do some quick math, so we called Dr. Mathlete:
          "I decided to make an average.  I averaged the teams, since 1917, included the lockout, and got 15. Since that number has never come up, in 97 years of the NHL, I decided it must be wrong. This became a logical paradox, as Dr. Mathlete cannot be incorrect...  ERROR-ERROR-ERROR"
        •  A-2: I apologize, but Dr. Mathlete needs to be rebooted. So, Using Prediction Technology that I've found, by 2025, there will be 36 NHL teams: 5 of these teams are resurrected / moved. 5 are new expansions: 1. The Quebec Nordiques return to Quebec City, due to low popularity of the NJ Devils 2. Saskatoon gets the San Jose Sharks, and renames them the The Saskatoon Sharks. 3. Tampa Bay Lighting move to Thunder Bay, bought by a famous North Ontario Billionaire. They keep the name, "Lightning" 4. The Quebec BullDogs return, after 103 years, but to St. Johns. They have the least number of players, in the entire league and are bought by the owners of "CAP-IT" 5. Seattle gets the Hurricanes , after a giant hurricane destroys North Carolina, in 2017 1. The Victoria Vampires are part of the new 2018 expansion teams  2. Kansas City Wheat Kings, bought by Wil Wheaton (Over the course of the next five years this franchise will swap 7 owners) 3. Nashville Fishermen. This franchise would not survive a single season in Nashville,  and move to the American East coast, a more appropriate area, where they lasted 5 seasons in Hartford,  as the Whalers, and finally end in 2026   4. Regina gets a hockey team, the Regina Rough Riders  5.  Montana gets a new team, the PipeLiners. Wayne Gretzky becomes the head coach, after his "longing for hockey". The team makes it to the playoffs but loses, in it's second season, but loses after the first round.
          AND that's what will happen with the NHL teams, by 2025.

        • Q: I got a message, from god, that I must be the best curler ever! There's only one problem... What's Curling?
        -- Mrs. Sammy Peterstein, New York, Pennsylvania.

        • A: Dear Mrs. Sammy, Curling  is a casual sport. It's sort of like bocce ball, only you play on ice.

        • Q: I want to be the fastest person in the world! How do I send letters to this now Renowned Publication?
        -- Mr. Charlie Pillowsworth, Mexico, New Mexico
        • A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff" at Happy Cracker. I don't care where you live, Seattle, the Center of the earth, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
          NEXT WEEK'S theme is: 'Help, I'm locked in something!'
          Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental...