Monday, March 23, 2015

IFAQ: For Parliament

In-Frequently Asked Questions For Parliament:

Questions that you wanted to hear a straight answer to, but you asked someone in politics.

  • Q: How much Safer would the right to bear guns make Canada? The News says they will make it a lot safer.
-- Mr. Hocke R. Schmokes,  Duntown T'rana, Candadadadadadadadadadadada

  • A: Dear Mr./Mrs. Mr. H. Schmokes, the current opinion of 13 people (aged 8-80) is that "yes, it would!" This is based on 37 polls, during the last 20 years, on several different issues. In all of these cases, the only catalogued answers were "yes".

  • Q: Living in the Antarctic, I'm concerned how much will my taxes go up when Bill C-51 passes?
-- Ms. Annie Of Antarctica, The Arctic, Antarctica

  • A: Dear Mr./Mrs. A. Antarctica, At this point in time, we have primarily scientific stakes in Antarctica, so you won't have to worry about this 'Tentative Bill'.

  • Q: I've heard that Bill C-51 will take away jobs from normal people in the work place, like me! I've also heard that it gives the police the ability to use postal drones to arrest homeless people, drunk drivers, and riffraff without any details. Is this true?
-- Mrs. Henry Junior, Middle City, Canada

  • A: Dear  Mr./Mrs. H. Junior, it is our opinion that Bill C-51 will not raise taxes in our plans for raising taxes in our expansion of Iraq.

  • Q: Wonder me this:  Who would win in a fight Batman, or Lego Batman?
-- The Wondering Wonderer, Got Ham City, Hamerica

  • A: Dear Mr./Mrs. W. Wonderer, we would like to inform you that you have sent this question to the incorrect division. You must resend it to the "Questions about Batman and Lego" division, located it Saskartoon.

  • Q:  Where can I just stand around like this?
-- Mr. Lingering Loiterson, Lazyton, Canadeja vu

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. L. Loiterson, this Party's  position on loitering is that it's bad. Please do not loiter.

  • Q: How much money will Alberta make on gas rebates, for that matter the other provinces and territories?

-- Mrs. Doubting Bethany, Moneytreal, Queebeck

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. D. Bethany, That information is not public domain.

  • Q: My internet stopped working, so I couldn't send this email. That is to say, I couldn't send the finished vers--
-- -------------

  • A: Yes.

  • Q: I heard that the CBC would be filming some films about Hinterland Who's Who. Who will be starring in it?
-- Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. D. Rocks, This government does not comment on rumours.

  • Q: It's officially spring, but there's still snow. What is the Government going to do about it?
-- Mrs. Fanny Angryoni, Super Nova Scotia, Canoodle

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. F. Angryoni, the Canadian Government is putting all resources into fighting the snow disasters on the east coast. We've even put zambonis on the streets. Be warned, there may be more ice than normal

  • Q: When does my favourite band play?
-- Mr. Antsy Pantine, Panoka, Alberta

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs.  A. Pantine, Your government does not comment on rumours.

  • Q: Bonjour, no?
-- Mr. Theodore Backwash, Limp Noodle, Labradore

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. T. Backwash, Oui.

  • Q: I've just found out that this week is the last week to sign up at the Target's going away sale. Is this true?

-- Mrs. Sally Sellers, Tent, Canadate

  • A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. Sellers, Target Canada will no longer exist at the end of April. Zellers Will return, and this is based on analytical statistics.

  • Q: I want to ask a question. How?
-- Hon. Steve J. Harper, PC Party, Ottawa
  • A: Send your questions to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff" at Jilly Boscuit. No matter where you live, Mexico, the badlands, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. 

Sunday, March 15, 2015

IFAQ: Mathletes and Mexico

In-Frequently Asked Questions:

More questions you didn’t think existed, mattered, or needed a response

  • Q: Do you have a terrorist's plot? I'm all out of mine.
-- Terry Orrist, Not From Around Here, Other Place

  • A: Sorry, Terry, I don't have any, either. But... I know this guy....

  • Q: Dear Willton, How High can you five?
-- Maurice P. Doate, Chesterlake, Tazmania

  • A: Higher than You, Maurice. You see, I learned a secret technique to allow me the ultimate high-five.

  • Q: How many chews does it take to finish a 'Dubble Bubble' bubble gum?
-- Mr. Gumble, Teriaki, Bay of Fumble

  • A: One half chew.

  • Q: PSSSSSST! Not so loud! Have you read the 2015 edition of the Annual Thesaurus? I thought it was too full of repetition.
-- Whispering Pine, Library, The Woods


  • Q: My mathletics score is literally a fail. WON'T YOU HELP ME, DR. MATHLETE!?
-- Grade 10, Math Class, Your City

  • A: I'm not Dr. Mathlete, but I do have his contact information. So, I asked him your question:
    Dr. Mathlete: Dear Mr. 10, of Math Class: I've talked to your mathletic instructors, and we have agreed that your decreasing knowledge of mathematics would put you back to Grade 1. After careful discussion, with your teacher's and parents, we thought Grade 1 would be the perfect place for you to go. Would you like that? Huh? Would ya?

  • Q: Waldo, where am I?
-- Frightened Mickey, ????

  • A: I couldn't find Waldo either, so I couldn't help you out.

  • Q: What if my name was Hairy Apple Tree?
-- Sherron Gabble Green, Big City, Meprotopolis

  • A: You'd need more hair, and have to live in a Hippy Commune.

  • Q: I've found this rock, and I think it's a real live diamond! How much is it worth?
-- Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta

  • A: I'm afraid it's only quartz. So, if you tie some string on it, you may manage to make a dollar.

  • Q: It's almost spring! So... What do you plan to do for the International Time Change Day?
-- Lassy T. Weeks, Not Saskatchewan, Canada

  • A: The Time Change was last week; also, despite popular belief, it's not a International Holiday.
  • Q: So, It's almost spring. How much spring cleaning do I have?
-- Pero Krastinator, Los Amigos City, Mexico

  • A: Pero, Buddy. The garage is FULL of things to clean, this spring. So is your shed, and the attic. You may want to hire someone to help you out...

  • Q: Dear Senor, my vecino eez muy desordenado! ¿QuĂ© debo hacer?
-- la senora Grapes Vine, Los Amigos City, Mexico

  • A: In English, Mrs. Grapes. I'm afraid All you can do is ask nicely. I've already tried to call the Fire Dept., on Mr. Krastinator, so, we'll just have to wait and see how well his spring cleaning works out...

  • Q: My niece is staying at my house for the week, which is not a suitable environment for toddlers at all.  With all this shoddy three-decade-old wiring and failing balloon suspension, it's only a matter of time before all my years of neglect and poor handyman skills catch up with me. So I guess what I'm trying to ask is can I stay in your basement for a month?
-- Chester Busting, Red Deer, Ontario

  • A: Gee Whiz, I've already rented my basement to the Mole People. They constantly make a ruckus, though... so I may consider kicking them out.

  • Q: How do I send in my own questions to this greatly revered document?
-- Pero, Your Friendly Neighbourhood Procrastinator, Los Amigos City, Mexico
  • A: Send your questions to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff". at Jorry Berscuit. No matter where you live, Mexico, the badlands, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. 

Friday, March 6, 2015

IFAQ: Local Emails on Elephants in Saskatchewan

In-Frequently Asked Questions:

Questions you didn't think existed, mattered, or needed a response

  • Q: How often do you use the company Elephant for school's field trips?  
-- Anthony B. Fickleberry, Charcoal Diamond Mine,  BigLongWait, Saskatchewan
  • A: Dear Mr. FickleBerry, I am sorry to inform you that the Company Elephant, Charlie Bacon, broke his leg in a gopher hole last year, and will no longer walk in the school's fields. Now, the gopher is suing us, for damaging it's property. Good grief!

  • Q: How many Questions? 
-- Jimmy age 8, Saskatchewan
  • A: I'm sorry Jimmy, but to answer that you'll need to give me more information; Like, do you mean how many questions in this? How many questions exist in the world? How many questions  you've asked? And along what timeline(s)?

  • Q: How many... hamburgers?
-- Jimmy age 8, Saskatchewan
  • A: Okay, I'll try to answer best I can...  3. 1568^7658. 2 (in this post) 10000342, in your life. 1569002 hamburgers currently exist.

  • Q: What's the meaning of life?
-- Wondering Wanda, Winnipeg, Saskatchewan.

  • A: 42.

  • Q: If Saskatchewan had an NHL hockey team, what would it be called? 
-- The Rouge Rider, Hardtohide, Saskatchewan

  • A: Well, If Saskatoon gets a little bigger, I'd say the "Saskatoon Kartoons". More likely however, it'll be the Saskatchewan (Or Regina) RoughRiders. I'm not sure what the rules are on having a CFL team be the same players, and having the same name as an NHL team...

  • Q: When's the time change, at 2 am, tonight? I want to set my clock at exactly the right time, so my clock is 100% accurate!
-- Professor  Fiddlesticks,  Professor at Large, Regina, Saskatchewan

  • A: Don't worry, Professor; Saskatchewan doesn't believe in time change!

  • Q: How far is it to Mary's house?
-- Amy DeLoused,  Bear Paddle Lake, Saskatchewan

  • A: 10.5 meters.

  • Q: How do I send in my own questions to this revered document?
-- Could B. You, Possibly In, Saskatchewan 

  • A: Send your questions to or, if you feel lucky, . If otherwise mentioned, I WiLL use your email. And possibly make up a fictional place where you came from, like "Saskatchewan".