Saturday, August 6, 2016

IFAQ: Ignorant or Ignoraunt?

It's time for another Infrequently Asked Questions from 

As per often, two different people have been brought in here. Unlike that last one, in March, these two aren't very famous. They are just your regular random folk: An Ant, from an ant hill, and an Aunt, from a Beauty Parlour. Hosted by the Questioner, who is definitely not a burglar, as he mentioned earlier.

QUESTIONER: I'd like to hear about you, two. Since I've just brought you in a few hours ago. What are your favourite hobbies?
AUNT: Gossip at the local barber shop, or at the market.
ANT: Collecting food for the queen. HAIL THE QUEEN!
Questioner: How much can you carry?
Aunt: Well, I heard Hattie Smith can carry about 30 times her own weight, and she's overweight (I hear her husband feeds her bacon for every meal; just what I heard). I'm much more fit than Her, and so I can lift about 60 times my own weight. I'd say, judging from my own weight, that's about 12 kilowatts. Of course, I don't count my shoes. Wearing them, I might be able to lift 13 kilometres.
Questioner: Pardon me, but that's incorrect. Even strong human people can't lift that much! That's clearly incorrect.
Aunt: I'm sorry, did you just call me a LIAR?
Questioner: No, I mean, but but--
Aunt:  I did not come all this way to be called a liar, or have mine and my and friends integrity criticized! I will leave, if you don't.
Questioner: You know what? Fine. You're right, you can lift 13 kilometres. Let's just hear from Mr. An Ant. How much can you lift?
Ant: I'm only around 1 mg, so 20 kg. 
Questioner:  Very good. Now--
Aunt: Oh puh-lease. He's clearly lying, and you don't doubt him at all? Mr. Questionaire, you have singled me out for the last time. I'm calling the police, for all your racist bias! 
Questioner: Okay, okay, enough. I'm moving onto the next question. Why are you wearing an orange onesie?
Ant: I'm not-- FOR THE QUEEN!
Aunt: Because. I'm from Squaresville. Orange is the hip new trend. Duh.
Questioner: Squaresville, eh? I'm from around... I mean no I wasn't.... I was there.... I visited there, once... long ago... err...  hmm... now that I think about it, you look... familiar....
Ant: So what's the next question, I've gotta get back to the hill, you know. FOR THE QUEEN!
Questioner: Uuhh yes, yes, right. The question. What's the best time of the year?
Aunt: Summer. I hate Winter, and Spring, and Summer, and Autumn and--
Ant: Why, the QUEEN'S Birthday! It's such a celebration!
Questioner: So, you love and hate Summer?
Aunt: It's a love-hate... preference....
Questioner: All right, then. How many fingers am I holding up?
Ant: Five. No, six. What in the QUEEN'S name is wrong with that finger?
Aunt: You know, I had a son about your age, and he had a deformed finger, too.
Questioner: What!? Nobody talk's about my finger in that manner, ya hear? I never even heard about no fingers! Yer all lyin', ya mooks!
Ant: Yeah. Okay. I'm just gonna go home now. You can keep your stupid money.
Aunt: Oh never mind him. that Ant was a no good scammer, anyway. I heard about those guys on the tv.  Now then, i'd like to ask you a question:
Questioner: I don't know... that is highly unusual...
Aunt: Oh shush. You're as much a nuisance as my son, Robert was. That's why they took him to jail, in the first place, you dope.
Questioner: Rob... ert?  That's my name.... I mean, My name is Questioner. QUESTIONER!
Aunt: You just said--
Questioner: I said nothin', see! Now Who's asking the questions, here?
Aunt: Why I --
Questioner: And that onsie looks like a prison suit, not some fashionable get up.
Aunt: Fine. I am a criminal. I was let out of jail last week, and haven't changed from my clothing. I think it fits nice, so there.
Questioner: Then why would you still be wearing a mask, huh?
Aunt: Because I could ask you the same question! And by the way, your "8" fell off.
Questioner: GASP! No, my disguise!
Aunt: Disguise? Tell me, is this you?
Questioner: Yeah. I admit it. This questioner thing, is all a big sham.
"Aunt": ROBERT! C'mere sweetie
 "Questioner":  Ma-Ma-Mother? They told me you were taken away,  to work for a long time! And when dad ran away, I was all alone. I turned to simple theft, just so I could eat! And then... (sob, sob) I... they took the house, so I was on the run, until they caught me. Oh, mother!
Mother Banks: Now, now, dear. Our family has been on the run, for years. Your father and I were on the run from the law, even before you were born.
Rob Banks: On the run?
MB: Here's the story: *Ahem* Now back when we were quite young, the king had invited your father's family and my family to the King's ball and--
RB: Ma, I'm sorry! We can't talk now I'd love to hear the story later, but we's gotta skip this joint! I betcha that little Ant ratted us out! Let's make like an egg and scram!
FOLLOW UP: So... the Questioner has revealed his real colours, and is currently being hunted for crimes he did commit. We'll need a new Questioner, and auditions will be held in the next IFAQ; which will surely include more questions, than this story of a reunited prisoner, and his prisoner mother. We had no idea that the Questioner was really the Bandit, "1337", or that the woman that we brought in was also an escaped felon. In the future, we will do more research on our guests AND our hosts.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

IFAQ Political Debate 2016: The Donalds are in the Cards


This debate is being hosted by, and Mr. The Duck's voice is being translated by (and is no way affiliated to me, the Questioner; and neither are either of of the aforementioned).
The First four questions are based on proving how truthfully the candidates can answer the following 

Question 1: What is your name?
Trump: Donald "The Trump" Trump.
Duck: Quack-qua-quackity-quack quack qakqakzkak quaxiquack
(Whoops, we forgot to turn on the translator)
Duck: Donald "The Duck" Duck.
Q2: What is your age?
T: 36.... And a half.
D: 87.
Q3: What is your favourite colour?
T: My opponent was in a gang, mumbles when he talks and is a paranoid egomaniac.
Host: Please don't tease Donald about his speech impediment.
D: Blue.
Q4: Is your hair real?
T: Of Course.
D: I don't have hair, I'm a duck. My feathers are real.

Q5: This question is for Mr. The Duck. Some say that your "Free Tuition for every duck" policy is radical, biased and unfair to anyone that's not related to ducks. Are these people racist?
D: Feh! Pure haters! I can't believe the nerve of some people, you know.  That's the most horrible form of racism that I've ever heard! There's no way it could be anything but racism! Pardon my French, but these people are worse than Hitler!
Q6: A question for both candidates.  Some argue that there are too many 'Donalds' running in the election, and when polling time comes, they won't know which 'Donald' to vote for.  Which may not be representative of the common voter.  Is it true that the government is run by this one percent?
T: My opponent always gets the last word, will drag the country down with him and doesn't know what makes this country great. What if I said there were too many questions being asked? God bless America!
D: The names are simply coincidence, and shouldn't matter. I represent every American that isn't perfect. Don't Judge people by name alone, but by the actions of their history. It's actually run by the 0.01%.
Q8: For both. There are claims that North America is in a transitional phase. What do you plan to do to balance the budget?
T: My opponent is more interested in Hollywood than Washington, hates Christmas and wears unmatched socks. I'm going to Build America into a New War Monger! Oh, it may cost a lot, but I have a lot of money. It's MY money, of course, so every American (That's you guys), will be the ones paying. I'm speaking in the purely literal sense, though!

D: I plan on making my Uncle, Scrooge McDuck, the treasurer.  He's rich for a reason, you know.

Audience Interuption: Why?

D: Well, he's good with money! And by the way... he's three times as rich as Mr. The Trump. Oh yeah. And that's even after dealing with my rascally nephews. He'll supplement taxes, until America is out of debt. Taxes won't go up, and gas prices will go down. Everything's balanced!
T: Ha ha! My opponent just doesn't get it! He wants to jail orphans and he lisps! I--
H: I've told you before! Don't make fun of his speech, or you'll automatically lose this debate, and you'll be sued and your billions will be taken, and you won't be able to be a president of anything EVER. Y'hear Mr. Tr!?
T: No. You Listen to me. I am Mr. The Trump. And You're Fired!

H: You can't fire me, I don't even work for you!

T: Once I'm President, you will! EVERYBODY WILL! Nyehehehehhh....
Q9: Mr. The Trump, we've heard some very hypocritical comments from you about your dislike of Non-American Americans. Is it true that your own parents yourself, were born in ANOTHER country? Mr. The trump... Do you HATE your mother?
T: My opponent steals candy from babies, has an illegal Cuban housekeeper and wants to invade Poland. You know, I've seen this before! And it was under my opponent's watch. Not gonna happen again, folks. Uh-uh. Noooooway, folks.  
H: That wasn't the Question...
T: You know,  my opponent is unfamiliar with the plight of the working class, runs like a sissy and supports illegal immigration.
H: Again, you're jumping around the question. Please, Mr. The Trump, If you'd please answer...
T: All those rumours were started by my opponent, in an attempt to terrorize me. I will NOT be terrorized into making false claims about my rich-pure American heritage, that goes back thousands of years!
Q10:  Mr. The Trump, We've heard other rumours that once you become the President of the United States, you will build a wall that rivals the great wall of China, not just because it will be built by Chinese, but because it'll be built by the same immigrants that you hope to hold out.  
T: Did you know my opponent was in a gang, treats children poorly and wants to raise taxes. Listen, folks. He wants to take away your guns!
D: That wasn't a gang, it was the Mickey Mouse Club. Millions of Americans were in that club, EVEN YOU! And those other claims are strictly hearsay, so --
H: Please, Mr. The Duck. It isn't your Turn. Now, Mr. The Trump, would you please talk about the question at hand.
T: Oh. Yeah. Everything is true. About the Duck, and me building a wall. See, All Adult Americans will be conscripted to build a piece of the wall, and then generations on your grandkids can say "Hey, my grandad laid that brick". The Wall will not only protect us, but give countless numbers of jobless Americans jobs. Full time Jobs! And Once we've used our cheap labour I'll fire them all, and send them back home... because spies and secret terrorists could be anywhere. We're gonna be a great country again, America! God Bless like minded people.
Q11: Another question about your wall-tower, Mr. The Trump. Sure it's tall, and thick, and we'll probably have to reroute low-flying air traffic because of it. Now, it may be tall and may be a wall... but what if those people you intend to keep out have shovels?
T: Simple Simon. Three steps. 1.Take away their shovels. 2.  Electrify the dirt underneath the wall. 3. Make sure we stop these terrorists by invading their phones, and making sure they aren't communicating with other terrorists. That's just common sense,  folks.
H: But you can't--
T: Yeah, the Electric dirt should take care of those shovels and pick axes.
D: Uh, Mr. the Trump...  that doesn't make any sense! You said you'd take away those shovels... And wouldn't an electrified underground fence cost billions to power each day? Does that mean you plan to raise taxes just to power a fence? And by the way, dirt doesn't--
Q12: Mr. The Duck, please wait your turn! Now then, Mr. The Duck, how do you feel about this "Great Wall of Donald"? 
D: I feel it embarrasses the name "Donald".  And you know, I might change my name, if it ever gets built.  Maybe to Daniel... or Dennis... Or... Donna... Aherm, anyway, when it comes to international relations, it's like Mr. The Trump actually wants to hide within his walled in controlled community. I want to open trades with countries. I am no chicken, like Mr. The Trump, here.
Q13: For both. How many trees do you plan on planting within the next year?
T: None. Zero. El Zilcho! Planting trees is just a waste of my country's time and money!
D: 500, in every metropolitan area. 
Q14: Mr The Trump. You've said that you are above the pope. Do you think that you are a god?
T: I'm above a god! I am THE TRUMP! YA HEAR!?
Q15: Mr. The Duck, You have said that you are an atheist, and don't believe in gods. Does that mean, in your opinion, that Mr. Trump does not exist?
D: I'm quite certain that Mr. The Trump isn't quite as powerful as he claims. And by the way, I'm not an atheist,  I believe in the Hammist religion.
T: My opponent dyes his hair, wants to kill babies and calls and hangs up and--
H: Stop there, Mr. The Trump, it's time to stop your blatant disregard for the rules, and... ooh it's  almost time to start the questions from the audience. Just a few more questions.
Q16: Ahem... Mr. The Duck.  Blue collar America was outraged at your anti-duck-hunting laws.  Everyone's wondering, "What's next?  Anti rabbit season laws?"
D: Now, it's just for anthropomorphic ducks. We think that though your regular ducks are fair game, you should try to empathize with them more, and I'm still against duck-hunting. And, as a matter of fact, I'm opening up free range chicken hunting. People like chicken better anyway, they always say everything tastes like it...  
Onto Rabbit hunting. That could be replaced by chicken hunting, too, I suppose. I hate Chickens. they murdered my parents, after all. It's why I've also thought of instituting Anti-pants laws.
Q17: Waaah? Anti-Pants laws? I don't see what that has to do with chickens! Does this have anything to do with your no-pants attitude?
D: Yes. Trust me. If you don't wear pants, you'll find yourself a lot happier.
T: Folks, my opponent shows poor judgement, wants to raise taxes and has a weak handshake. I once shook his hand, and this was just last week, and his handshake was so limp, I was like "Wow, I've held wet noodles that had a stronger grip than that"!

H: Mr. The Trump, one more outburst like that and I'm sending you to the Saskatchewan desert! 

Q18: Now that more and more celebrities are becoming political figureheads, do you think someone like Kanye West could be president in 2020?
T: Oh, yeah. Like anyone would vote for him. Literally.
D: I concur with my opponent on this one.
T: Have you heard about my opponents anti-life laws? Just ask my good friend, Sarah "The Palin" Palin!

Now then, the next section: Questions from the real live studio audience! 

Audience Question 1: Misser Trump, When'll ya blow'p tha turrarists? And kin we blow'm up any sooner?
T: Well, my friend, we can get started 'soon as I'm In office! You'll see! Oh, and by the way, my opponent is a bigamist, doesn't believe in Santa Clause and abuses his spouse.
AQ2: Mr. The Trump, I've heard from others that building a wall into the stratosphere around America is impractical, expensive and won't help our foreign relations. At all.
T: Oh Yeah? Well they are wrong, and fired.
AQ3: My problem is with your elimination of Obama-care,  Mr. The Trump! Ya see, My child has been cured of cancer, and aids on Obama-care!  I also know of a friend who's child was cured of that new form of the black plague, and that was on Obama care, too! Does eliminating Obama care mean that the children will be put back on these deadly diseases?
T: I'm sorry you feel that way. But did you know, my opponent gets expensive manicures, is related to Hitler and talks out of both sides of his mouth.
H: Is that a... well, I guess that's more of a comment on lying. Continue.
AQ4: Yo, T-dog.  We's all knows about da Wall to Mexico,  Or Great Wall ah Donald, or whatevs. But what about dat other country we border? You know? Canabis?
H: Canada?
AQ4: Yeah. That guy. Are we gon be buildin' a big wall between us an dem?
T: I never thought about that. But... why not? They recently adopted a million ISIS Refugees. I kid you not! We only let the people we think should be in our country, in our country. 'Merka.
AQ5: This ties in with the last question. What about the states like Alaska, and Hawaii.  Do they get walls, too?
T: Yes. But only if I get a second term, folks!
AQ6: Mr. The Duck, we've heard many things from Mr. The Trump, ranging from your relationship to other world leaders, to your weak handshake. Will you be organizing weekly trips to the moon?
D: Since it takes more than a week to get to the moon, no. But the Mighty Ducks (from the Show, not the movie... or the hockey team) are working on monthly trips.
AQ6: Oh. Sure. Great. I'm sure Mr. The Trump could make weekly trips to the moon...
T: Not just weekly, daily! Oh, and you wanna know what else, folks? My opponent has nine toes, can not lead and waddles when he walks.
D: I don't have nine toes, I have 6! And I waddle, because I'm a duck, you moroon!
H: Okay that's enough name calling, Mr. The Duck!
D: ME? He's been ragging on me this entire time, spreading lies and continually making fun of my speech impediment! OOH. That's it. I'm quitting this biased and idiotic Debate! Quackarzx qua-quackx zqqxzzquzxkxzazxuzxkquaack!!!!
T: Me? Whaa'd I do? Everything I've said is true! A vote for me is a vote for you!

H: Well, I guess this debate is over. Until next time: This is an IFAQ Political Debate!

Post Script: Although these comments may seem real, and the studio audience may seem like real live people, asking real questions, there should be no doubt that they actually are real people, and not made up in any way.

UPDATE 2.0: Picture