Saturday, August 6, 2016

IFAQ: Ignorant or Ignoraunt?

It's time for another Infrequently Asked Questions from 

As per often, two different people have been brought in here. Unlike that last one, in March, these two aren't very famous. They are just your regular random folk: An Ant, from an ant hill, and an Aunt, from a Beauty Parlour. Hosted by the Questioner, who is definitely not a burglar, as he mentioned earlier.

QUESTIONER: I'd like to hear about you, two. Since I've just brought you in a few hours ago. What are your favourite hobbies?
AUNT: Gossip at the local barber shop, or at the market.
ANT: Collecting food for the queen. HAIL THE QUEEN!
Questioner: How much can you carry?
Aunt: Well, I heard Hattie Smith can carry about 30 times her own weight, and she's overweight (I hear her husband feeds her bacon for every meal; just what I heard). I'm much more fit than Her, and so I can lift about 60 times my own weight. I'd say, judging from my own weight, that's about 12 kilowatts. Of course, I don't count my shoes. Wearing them, I might be able to lift 13 kilometres.
Questioner: Pardon me, but that's incorrect. Even strong human people can't lift that much! That's clearly incorrect.
Aunt: I'm sorry, did you just call me a LIAR?
Questioner: No, I mean, but but--
Aunt:  I did not come all this way to be called a liar, or have mine and my and friends integrity criticized! I will leave, if you don't.
Questioner: You know what? Fine. You're right, you can lift 13 kilometres. Let's just hear from Mr. An Ant. How much can you lift?
Ant: I'm only around 1 mg, so 20 kg. 
Questioner:  Very good. Now--
Aunt: Oh puh-lease. He's clearly lying, and you don't doubt him at all? Mr. Questionaire, you have singled me out for the last time. I'm calling the police, for all your racist bias! 
Questioner: Okay, okay, enough. I'm moving onto the next question. Why are you wearing an orange onesie?
Ant: I'm not-- FOR THE QUEEN!
Aunt: Because. I'm from Squaresville. Orange is the hip new trend. Duh.
Questioner: Squaresville, eh? I'm from around... I mean no I wasn't.... I was there.... I visited there, once... long ago... err...  hmm... now that I think about it, you look... familiar....
Ant: So what's the next question, I've gotta get back to the hill, you know. FOR THE QUEEN!
Questioner: Uuhh yes, yes, right. The question. What's the best time of the year?
Aunt: Summer. I hate Winter, and Spring, and Summer, and Autumn and--
Ant: Why, the QUEEN'S Birthday! It's such a celebration!
Questioner: So, you love and hate Summer?
Aunt: It's a love-hate... preference....
Questioner: All right, then. How many fingers am I holding up?
Ant: Five. No, six. What in the QUEEN'S name is wrong with that finger?
Aunt: You know, I had a son about your age, and he had a deformed finger, too.
Questioner: What!? Nobody talk's about my finger in that manner, ya hear? I never even heard about no fingers! Yer all lyin', ya mooks!
Ant: Yeah. Okay. I'm just gonna go home now. You can keep your stupid money.
Aunt: Oh never mind him. that Ant was a no good scammer, anyway. I heard about those guys on the tv.  Now then, i'd like to ask you a question:
Questioner: I don't know... that is highly unusual...
Aunt: Oh shush. You're as much a nuisance as my son, Robert was. That's why they took him to jail, in the first place, you dope.
Questioner: Rob... ert?  That's my name.... I mean, My name is Questioner. QUESTIONER!
Aunt: You just said--
Questioner: I said nothin', see! Now Who's asking the questions, here?
Aunt: Why I --
Questioner: And that onsie looks like a prison suit, not some fashionable get up.
Aunt: Fine. I am a criminal. I was let out of jail last week, and haven't changed from my clothing. I think it fits nice, so there.
Questioner: Then why would you still be wearing a mask, huh?
Aunt: Because I could ask you the same question! And by the way, your "8" fell off.
Questioner: GASP! No, my disguise!
Aunt: Disguise? Tell me, is this you?
Questioner: Yeah. I admit it. This questioner thing, is all a big sham.
"Aunt": ROBERT! C'mere sweetie
 "Questioner":  Ma-Ma-Mother? They told me you were taken away,  to work for a long time! And when dad ran away, I was all alone. I turned to simple theft, just so I could eat! And then... (sob, sob) I... they took the house, so I was on the run, until they caught me. Oh, mother!
Mother Banks: Now, now, dear. Our family has been on the run, for years. Your father and I were on the run from the law, even before you were born.
Rob Banks: On the run?
MB: Here's the story: *Ahem* Now back when we were quite young, the king had invited your father's family and my family to the King's ball and--
RB: Ma, I'm sorry! We can't talk now I'd love to hear the story later, but we's gotta skip this joint! I betcha that little Ant ratted us out! Let's make like an egg and scram!
FOLLOW UP: So... the Questioner has revealed his real colours, and is currently being hunted for crimes he did commit. We'll need a new Questioner, and auditions will be held in the next IFAQ; which will surely include more questions, than this story of a reunited prisoner, and his prisoner mother. We had no idea that the Questioner was really the Bandit, "1337", or that the woman that we brought in was also an escaped felon. In the future, we will do more research on our guests AND our hosts.