Wednesday, July 22, 2015

IFAQ: The Fairly Random Edition

Infrequently Asked Question: The Fairly Random Edition 
Questions Generated from Random Probability (Thanks to

Q: How is a ghost gonna jump over a muskrat into a Zebra?
    -- McJunior McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

    A: Dear Master McHarper, The best way for the Ghost to do this is by rusty tricycle, and conveniently placed ramp.

      Q: When is a pigeon going to fling an orange crush into a gopher?  
      -- Mrs. Evangeline Pearson, Ohio, Libya

      A: Dear Mrs. Pearson, the pigeon in question will fling a bottle of Orange Crush directly into a gopher on August 17th, 2016. The time will be Midnight, exactly.

      Q: Why is a pirate ship going to toss a mouse over an Octopus?
      -- Mr. Tasha Goins, British Columbia, New Guinea

      A: Dear Mr. Goins, the curious nature of pirate ships comes down to the simply complex design of their construction. In some rare cases, pirate ships have been seen throwing potted plants in or around greenhouses. The root of the ship's tossing has been concluded to be based on which wood the ship was constructed of. The tossing of a mouse over, but not into, or toward, suggests it was built from a combination of South American Birch and a Northern Lodgepole deciduous bush root.

      Q: Where is my King going to whistle into an ethernet cable, near a goat? 
      -- Mr. Ethan Henry Stuart, Tokyo, Bhutan

      A: Dear Mr. Stuart, your King, Lucia Montano, the Berserk Drug Lord from The Kingdom of Lincoln, could whistle into an ethernet cable near a goat, in Jasper, Alberta. 

      Q: Why is a Knight in Shining Armour going to hop on a plate, around a gazelle?
      -- Jimmy Blanchard Junior, The Death Pluto, Space

      A: Dear Jimmy B. Junior, It's all the rage these days for Knights to hop on plates, around the Antelope type species of mammal. I suspect this Shining knight was merely following the crowd. There is one other, more depressing solution, and that is that he has Quixotiosis. It's a rare form of dementia, in which the sufferer believes common objects are dragons, or enemies, like the fictional character, Don Quixote.

      Q: When is a Jesus going to throw a roller skate near a Cow??  
      -- Mrs. Fergie Rodriquez, Des Moines, India

      A: Dear Mrs. Rodriquez, you can expect a Jesus to throw a roller skate near a cow, in 2037. It's this date that Jesus is resurrected a 3rd time, after being mistaken for a spy, in 2024, and shot 18 times by imperialist Bhutanese rebels. Any how... In 2037, Jesus Comes back, and after getting frustrated with his new roller skates, takes them out to his Country Acherage, and thows the skates into the neighbours field, right by the cow. It takes place around 3:36pm.

      Q: How is a hotel going to skip over a space ship, toward a whale? 
      -- Ms. Patty McGowan, Iqaluit, Malta

      A: Dear Ms. McGowan, it is widely believed that these days Hotels are built with high-tensity hydrolic shock dampers (operated via Master Control Panel, in the Janitorial Closet), which could theoretically launch a 20 storey hotel 50 meters, 164 feet, in the air. This could be enough to skip over a space ship. As long as this happens in a coastal area, and there just happens to be a beached whale, The Question has been answered.

      Q: What is a Friendly Francine going to splash a kitten with, around a camel?
      -- Master Seymour Shoemaker, the Arcade, Syria

      A: Dear Master Shoemaker, this is a tough question, and I needed to consult the Maddening Blogger of East Nebraska, Abby Graham: "Friendly Francine is in quite a pickle. Typically, camels live in dry, sandy places, with little liquids available, for splashing kittens with. the best choice you have is to use sand. Yes, particles can be used to splash, almost as well as liquid, but liquified sand would work even better.

      Q: How is a toilet gonna talk to a man, at a convention?
      -- Lee Guevara Junior, Connecticut, South Africa 

      A: Dear Mr. Guevara Junior, the modern Smart Toilets have speakers in them. If the convention goes long enough, this man may need to go to the bathroom, and that is how.

      Q: How is a hog going to talk a plate into burning itself?  
      -- Mr. Art Dunlap, New Jersey, Kyrgyzstan 

      A: Dear Mr. Dunlap, plates are easily bribed, and are also generally naive.  The hog could offer the plate a measly five dollars, and the plate would burn itself. However, a paper plate should only be offered a dollar, or change, because burning is deadly to paper plates, and it would just be a waste of paper bills.

      Q: What is a bat going to whisper to an elephant, in the RV?
      -- Ms. Malcolm Lange, Arkansas, Ecuador

      A: Dear Ms. Lange, you may be assuming that this whispering may be about a relationship between the bat and elephant, but you couldn't be more wrong. It's gossip about a relationship between the rat and elephant seal.

      Q: Why is a rat screaming at a hat, on top of a matt?
      -- Mrs. Marcel Rubin, Ontario, Cameroon

      A: Dear Mrs. Rubin, the Hat was being a jerk and hatting -- I mean hitting -- the rat's best friend, Harry the elephant seal. The matt was covering a stain from the hat accidentally hitting some Orange crush juice onto the floor.

      Q: Where is a Knight in Rusted Tin gonna jump over a puppy in rusted satin?
      -- Mr. Ric Dudley, West Quebec, Sri Lanka

      A: Dear Mr. Dudley, Puppies in rusted satin are more than plentiful in Nova Scotia. Rusty knights are not quite as plentiful, and are only found in New Saskatoon, on nights when the moon is full. If you can get a Rusty Puppy to New Saskatoon, then you will have to wait until the full moon. The Knight, then, will jump over the puppy as soon as possible. The answer to where, when and how. 

      Q: What is a prince gonna throw into a tree near the start line?  
      -- Mr. Matthew Norman Howell, Michigan, Iraq 

      A: Dear Mr. Howell, the prince's quest is to throw a heap of jelly at the start line, as is tradition. If the prince can't throw ALL the jelly in two tries, then they are banished forever, to the Forbidden Zone. 

      Q: Why is Jesus going to tie a bear to an Atomic Bomb?
      -- Mr. Francine Kerr, Winnipeg, Cuba

      A: Dear Mr. Kerr, this is one bad bear. He was trying to start another World War, and was eating all of Jesus' Fish. The bear is also an opinionated racist, speciest, and practiced Satinism (the religion that finds satin holy). Jesus has plenty of Atom Bombs to spare, in his underground weapon store.

        Friday, July 3, 2015

        IFAQ: Generosity Killed the Cat

        Infrequently Asked Question: Generosity Killed the Cat

        Questions about why, who to and where those fuzzy felines give so much. 

        Q: I was feeding my neighbour's cat, and it gave me a mouse. What's the exchange rate, in Canadian money? 
        -- McMr McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

        A: Dear Mr. McHarper, the cat's mouse is worth almost $0.00001 Canadian, and that's if the tail is in tact.

        Q: Who is the cat that knooooows where it's at?  
        -- Hip Cat, The Alley, YOUR Alley

        A: Dear Mr. Cat, Jimmy Whiskers is the cat who knows where it's at. He also knows where he's at, but he won't tell anyone else. Good luck finding him.

        Q: My cat, Sandy, and my other cat, Sandy, never leave me a present on Christmas. They don't even leave me a gift card. For crying out sakes, I haven't even gotten a happy birthday card from them, in 30 years! They Will both be 50 years old, next week, and I'm not sure if I should give them a Birthday mouse, this year. What should I do?

        -- Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas

        A: Dear Mrs. Happiford, The average lifespan of an average housecat is about 10-15 years. I'm afraid that your cats have been dead for almost 35 years.

        • Q: Oh my goodness! Then who have I been giving Christmas mice to, all these years? It wasn't the Greeks, was it?

        -- Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas

        • A: I'm sorry to say that you've been giving those mice to Old Man Houseboat, your local mouse taxidermist, who has been selling them back to you, and then taking them and selling them back again. For him, it has been a very profitable business. However, he is not Greek.

        Q: Howdy, yall! Our Cat Whippin' races've lost a farmer's ton ah popularity, since last year! I reckon it's to do with how much we tan the hides of our racin' cats. And all them fancy city folks is agin' it!  But how else's we gonna get 'em to run faster?

        -- Ms. Pansy Horseback, Stampede, Calgary

        A: Dear Ms. Horseback, A better method to speed up those cats is to give them catnip-caps, with dangling catnip-mice. It's the economical and ecological method!

        Q: Mr. Spanky is my most prized possession. Why, everyone knows she's the prettiest pussy around! I feed her only the finest of fancy feasts and groom her with the purest diamond encrusted, gold leafed combs.  Now, I know Christmas is still half a year away, but what's the perfect gift I can get for this most purrrrfect specimen of a feline?  X3
        -- Nancy Prantsy, Great Koomunga Junction

        A: Dear Mrs. Pantsy, have I got a secret for you! Down by Uncle Murphy's Farm, there's a big heart-shaped truck. Now, ask him for the "Good stuff", and wink. Then he'll wink, and hand you a bag. Then Purrrrr (And remember to roll your 'r's) and finally give him $40. That's the purrrfect gift for your "purrfect" cat.

        Q: I don't even own any cats but suddenly they're all over the place!  I turned 40 recently, is this supposed to be some kind of celebration?  Should I bust out the roach foggers?

        -- Drew Nottaclu, 345 Westforce lane, Moon Town

        A: Dear Mr. Nottaclu, The cat thing has probably reached it's peak. I think camels will make a comeback, pretty soon... Or Jetpacks. Whichever they invent first.

        Q: Imagine a world where the fine line between animal and man becomes an odd shakey blur;  Where human identity is a faint grey mass without shape, and the hand you once spread butter with is now the paw on the other cat.  And the cat you thought was once your friend feeds the mice and shakes hands with dogs.                                                                                        
        How do cats think?  How do cats FEEL?  What makes a cat really a cat?  Great philosophers would never consider entertaining these thoughts.  But when dead birds start piling up on your doorstep, it might be too late.

        -- Rod Serling, Twilight Zone

        A: Dear Mr. Serling, To answer your questions, we took it to the leading feline zoolologist in Egypt, at the SPHINXOLOGICAL INSTITUTE. They have built a House Cat translator, and it remains the only in existence, to this day. All Cat's speak a form of Ancient Egyptian lost to the pyramids, long ago. According to our English translators, in Egypt, cats only spoken words are "Mee-ahh" (Yeah), and "Mee-ooo" (No). These are the only phrases Cats know, at least in English, or are audible to human ears. So, how do cat's think? "Yeah" . How do they feel? "No". What makes a cat a cat? "Yeah". 

        Q: When was the fuzziest cat of all, "Mortimer Puddyfoot", born? I need to settle a life-or-death argument with my wife.
        -- Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Henry's Pub and Bar, Downtown

        A: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Christine, "Mortimer Puddyfoot" was born August 2, 2017, at 5:00am.
        • Q: We were both wrong! I thought it was August 2, 2017 at 5:01am, and my wife thought at 5:00pm. So long, cruel world!

        -- The Late Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Hell, Downtown

        Q: My curious cat asked me, the other day, "How can I ask you a question"?
        -- Patricia Aardvark, Arkansas, New Jersey

        A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff" at Happy Cracker. I don't care where you live, your Dog House, the Center of Downtown, or even Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
        NEXT WEEK'S theme is: 'Where does that come from?!'

        Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental...