Wednesday, July 22, 2015

IFAQ: The Fairly Random Edition

Infrequently Asked Question: The Fairly Random Edition 
Questions Generated from Random Probability (Thanks to

Q: How is a ghost gonna jump over a muskrat into a Zebra?
    -- McJunior McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

    A: Dear Master McHarper, The best way for the Ghost to do this is by rusty tricycle, and conveniently placed ramp.

      Q: When is a pigeon going to fling an orange crush into a gopher?  
      -- Mrs. Evangeline Pearson, Ohio, Libya

      A: Dear Mrs. Pearson, the pigeon in question will fling a bottle of Orange Crush directly into a gopher on August 17th, 2016. The time will be Midnight, exactly.

      Q: Why is a pirate ship going to toss a mouse over an Octopus?
      -- Mr. Tasha Goins, British Columbia, New Guinea

      A: Dear Mr. Goins, the curious nature of pirate ships comes down to the simply complex design of their construction. In some rare cases, pirate ships have been seen throwing potted plants in or around greenhouses. The root of the ship's tossing has been concluded to be based on which wood the ship was constructed of. The tossing of a mouse over, but not into, or toward, suggests it was built from a combination of South American Birch and a Northern Lodgepole deciduous bush root.

      Q: Where is my King going to whistle into an ethernet cable, near a goat? 
      -- Mr. Ethan Henry Stuart, Tokyo, Bhutan

      A: Dear Mr. Stuart, your King, Lucia Montano, the Berserk Drug Lord from The Kingdom of Lincoln, could whistle into an ethernet cable near a goat, in Jasper, Alberta. 

      Q: Why is a Knight in Shining Armour going to hop on a plate, around a gazelle?
      -- Jimmy Blanchard Junior, The Death Pluto, Space

      A: Dear Jimmy B. Junior, It's all the rage these days for Knights to hop on plates, around the Antelope type species of mammal. I suspect this Shining knight was merely following the crowd. There is one other, more depressing solution, and that is that he has Quixotiosis. It's a rare form of dementia, in which the sufferer believes common objects are dragons, or enemies, like the fictional character, Don Quixote.

      Q: When is a Jesus going to throw a roller skate near a Cow??  
      -- Mrs. Fergie Rodriquez, Des Moines, India

      A: Dear Mrs. Rodriquez, you can expect a Jesus to throw a roller skate near a cow, in 2037. It's this date that Jesus is resurrected a 3rd time, after being mistaken for a spy, in 2024, and shot 18 times by imperialist Bhutanese rebels. Any how... In 2037, Jesus Comes back, and after getting frustrated with his new roller skates, takes them out to his Country Acherage, and thows the skates into the neighbours field, right by the cow. It takes place around 3:36pm.

      Q: How is a hotel going to skip over a space ship, toward a whale? 
      -- Ms. Patty McGowan, Iqaluit, Malta

      A: Dear Ms. McGowan, it is widely believed that these days Hotels are built with high-tensity hydrolic shock dampers (operated via Master Control Panel, in the Janitorial Closet), which could theoretically launch a 20 storey hotel 50 meters, 164 feet, in the air. This could be enough to skip over a space ship. As long as this happens in a coastal area, and there just happens to be a beached whale, The Question has been answered.

      Q: What is a Friendly Francine going to splash a kitten with, around a camel?
      -- Master Seymour Shoemaker, the Arcade, Syria

      A: Dear Master Shoemaker, this is a tough question, and I needed to consult the Maddening Blogger of East Nebraska, Abby Graham: "Friendly Francine is in quite a pickle. Typically, camels live in dry, sandy places, with little liquids available, for splashing kittens with. the best choice you have is to use sand. Yes, particles can be used to splash, almost as well as liquid, but liquified sand would work even better.

      Q: How is a toilet gonna talk to a man, at a convention?
      -- Lee Guevara Junior, Connecticut, South Africa 

      A: Dear Mr. Guevara Junior, the modern Smart Toilets have speakers in them. If the convention goes long enough, this man may need to go to the bathroom, and that is how.

      Q: How is a hog going to talk a plate into burning itself?  
      -- Mr. Art Dunlap, New Jersey, Kyrgyzstan 

      A: Dear Mr. Dunlap, plates are easily bribed, and are also generally naive.  The hog could offer the plate a measly five dollars, and the plate would burn itself. However, a paper plate should only be offered a dollar, or change, because burning is deadly to paper plates, and it would just be a waste of paper bills.

      Q: What is a bat going to whisper to an elephant, in the RV?
      -- Ms. Malcolm Lange, Arkansas, Ecuador

      A: Dear Ms. Lange, you may be assuming that this whispering may be about a relationship between the bat and elephant, but you couldn't be more wrong. It's gossip about a relationship between the rat and elephant seal.

      Q: Why is a rat screaming at a hat, on top of a matt?
      -- Mrs. Marcel Rubin, Ontario, Cameroon

      A: Dear Mrs. Rubin, the Hat was being a jerk and hatting -- I mean hitting -- the rat's best friend, Harry the elephant seal. The matt was covering a stain from the hat accidentally hitting some Orange crush juice onto the floor.

      Q: Where is a Knight in Rusted Tin gonna jump over a puppy in rusted satin?
      -- Mr. Ric Dudley, West Quebec, Sri Lanka

      A: Dear Mr. Dudley, Puppies in rusted satin are more than plentiful in Nova Scotia. Rusty knights are not quite as plentiful, and are only found in New Saskatoon, on nights when the moon is full. If you can get a Rusty Puppy to New Saskatoon, then you will have to wait until the full moon. The Knight, then, will jump over the puppy as soon as possible. The answer to where, when and how. 

      Q: What is a prince gonna throw into a tree near the start line?  
      -- Mr. Matthew Norman Howell, Michigan, Iraq 

      A: Dear Mr. Howell, the prince's quest is to throw a heap of jelly at the start line, as is tradition. If the prince can't throw ALL the jelly in two tries, then they are banished forever, to the Forbidden Zone. 

      Q: Why is Jesus going to tie a bear to an Atomic Bomb?
      -- Mr. Francine Kerr, Winnipeg, Cuba

      A: Dear Mr. Kerr, this is one bad bear. He was trying to start another World War, and was eating all of Jesus' Fish. The bear is also an opinionated racist, speciest, and practiced Satinism (the religion that finds satin holy). Jesus has plenty of Atom Bombs to spare, in his underground weapon store.

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