Friday, July 3, 2015

IFAQ: Generosity Killed the Cat

Infrequently Asked Question: Generosity Killed the Cat

Questions about why, who to and where those fuzzy felines give so much. 

Q: I was feeding my neighbour's cat, and it gave me a mouse. What's the exchange rate, in Canadian money? 
-- McMr McSteven McHarper,  McOttawa, McCanada

A: Dear Mr. McHarper, the cat's mouse is worth almost $0.00001 Canadian, and that's if the tail is in tact.

Q: Who is the cat that knooooows where it's at?  
-- Hip Cat, The Alley, YOUR Alley

A: Dear Mr. Cat, Jimmy Whiskers is the cat who knows where it's at. He also knows where he's at, but he won't tell anyone else. Good luck finding him.

Q: My cat, Sandy, and my other cat, Sandy, never leave me a present on Christmas. They don't even leave me a gift card. For crying out sakes, I haven't even gotten a happy birthday card from them, in 30 years! They Will both be 50 years old, next week, and I'm not sure if I should give them a Birthday mouse, this year. What should I do?

-- Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas

A: Dear Mrs. Happiford, The average lifespan of an average housecat is about 10-15 years. I'm afraid that your cats have been dead for almost 35 years.

  • Q: Oh my goodness! Then who have I been giving Christmas mice to, all these years? It wasn't the Greeks, was it?

-- Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas

  • A: I'm sorry to say that you've been giving those mice to Old Man Houseboat, your local mouse taxidermist, who has been selling them back to you, and then taking them and selling them back again. For him, it has been a very profitable business. However, he is not Greek.

Q: Howdy, yall! Our Cat Whippin' races've lost a farmer's ton ah popularity, since last year! I reckon it's to do with how much we tan the hides of our racin' cats. And all them fancy city folks is agin' it!  But how else's we gonna get 'em to run faster?

-- Ms. Pansy Horseback, Stampede, Calgary

A: Dear Ms. Horseback, A better method to speed up those cats is to give them catnip-caps, with dangling catnip-mice. It's the economical and ecological method!

Q: Mr. Spanky is my most prized possession. Why, everyone knows she's the prettiest pussy around! I feed her only the finest of fancy feasts and groom her with the purest diamond encrusted, gold leafed combs.  Now, I know Christmas is still half a year away, but what's the perfect gift I can get for this most purrrrfect specimen of a feline?  X3
-- Nancy Prantsy, Great Koomunga Junction

A: Dear Mrs. Pantsy, have I got a secret for you! Down by Uncle Murphy's Farm, there's a big heart-shaped truck. Now, ask him for the "Good stuff", and wink. Then he'll wink, and hand you a bag. Then Purrrrr (And remember to roll your 'r's) and finally give him $40. That's the purrrfect gift for your "purrfect" cat.

Q: I don't even own any cats but suddenly they're all over the place!  I turned 40 recently, is this supposed to be some kind of celebration?  Should I bust out the roach foggers?

-- Drew Nottaclu, 345 Westforce lane, Moon Town

A: Dear Mr. Nottaclu, The cat thing has probably reached it's peak. I think camels will make a comeback, pretty soon... Or Jetpacks. Whichever they invent first.

Q: Imagine a world where the fine line between animal and man becomes an odd shakey blur;  Where human identity is a faint grey mass without shape, and the hand you once spread butter with is now the paw on the other cat.  And the cat you thought was once your friend feeds the mice and shakes hands with dogs.                                                                                        
How do cats think?  How do cats FEEL?  What makes a cat really a cat?  Great philosophers would never consider entertaining these thoughts.  But when dead birds start piling up on your doorstep, it might be too late.

-- Rod Serling, Twilight Zone

A: Dear Mr. Serling, To answer your questions, we took it to the leading feline zoolologist in Egypt, at the SPHINXOLOGICAL INSTITUTE. They have built a House Cat translator, and it remains the only in existence, to this day. All Cat's speak a form of Ancient Egyptian lost to the pyramids, long ago. According to our English translators, in Egypt, cats only spoken words are "Mee-ahh" (Yeah), and "Mee-ooo" (No). These are the only phrases Cats know, at least in English, or are audible to human ears. So, how do cat's think? "Yeah" . How do they feel? "No". What makes a cat a cat? "Yeah". 

Q: When was the fuzziest cat of all, "Mortimer Puddyfoot", born? I need to settle a life-or-death argument with my wife.
-- Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Henry's Pub and Bar, Downtown

A: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Christine, "Mortimer Puddyfoot" was born August 2, 2017, at 5:00am.
  • Q: We were both wrong! I thought it was August 2, 2017 at 5:01am, and my wife thought at 5:00pm. So long, cruel world!

-- The Late Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Hell, Downtown

Q: My curious cat asked me, the other day, "How can I ask you a question"?
-- Patricia Aardvark, Arkansas, New Jersey

A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff" at Happy Cracker. I don't care where you live, your Dog House, the Center of Downtown, or even Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
NEXT WEEK'S theme is: 'Where does that come from?!'

Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental...

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