Sunday, March 15, 2015

IFAQ: Mathletes and Mexico

In-Frequently Asked Questions:

More questions you didn’t think existed, mattered, or needed a response

  • Q: Do you have a terrorist's plot? I'm all out of mine.
-- Terry Orrist, Not From Around Here, Other Place

  • A: Sorry, Terry, I don't have any, either. But... I know this guy....

  • Q: Dear Willton, How High can you five?
-- Maurice P. Doate, Chesterlake, Tazmania

  • A: Higher than You, Maurice. You see, I learned a secret technique to allow me the ultimate high-five.

  • Q: How many chews does it take to finish a 'Dubble Bubble' bubble gum?
-- Mr. Gumble, Teriaki, Bay of Fumble

  • A: One half chew.

  • Q: PSSSSSST! Not so loud! Have you read the 2015 edition of the Annual Thesaurus? I thought it was too full of repetition.
-- Whispering Pine, Library, The Woods


  • Q: My mathletics score is literally a fail. WON'T YOU HELP ME, DR. MATHLETE!?
-- Grade 10, Math Class, Your City

  • A: I'm not Dr. Mathlete, but I do have his contact information. So, I asked him your question:
    Dr. Mathlete: Dear Mr. 10, of Math Class: I've talked to your mathletic instructors, and we have agreed that your decreasing knowledge of mathematics would put you back to Grade 1. After careful discussion, with your teacher's and parents, we thought Grade 1 would be the perfect place for you to go. Would you like that? Huh? Would ya?

  • Q: Waldo, where am I?
-- Frightened Mickey, ????

  • A: I couldn't find Waldo either, so I couldn't help you out.

  • Q: What if my name was Hairy Apple Tree?
-- Sherron Gabble Green, Big City, Meprotopolis

  • A: You'd need more hair, and have to live in a Hippy Commune.

  • Q: I've found this rock, and I think it's a real live diamond! How much is it worth?
-- Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta

  • A: I'm afraid it's only quartz. So, if you tie some string on it, you may manage to make a dollar.

  • Q: It's almost spring! So... What do you plan to do for the International Time Change Day?
-- Lassy T. Weeks, Not Saskatchewan, Canada

  • A: The Time Change was last week; also, despite popular belief, it's not a International Holiday.
  • Q: So, It's almost spring. How much spring cleaning do I have?
-- Pero Krastinator, Los Amigos City, Mexico

  • A: Pero, Buddy. The garage is FULL of things to clean, this spring. So is your shed, and the attic. You may want to hire someone to help you out...

  • Q: Dear Senor, my vecino eez muy desordenado! ¿Qué debo hacer?
-- la senora Grapes Vine, Los Amigos City, Mexico

  • A: In English, Mrs. Grapes. I'm afraid All you can do is ask nicely. I've already tried to call the Fire Dept., on Mr. Krastinator, so, we'll just have to wait and see how well his spring cleaning works out...

  • Q: My niece is staying at my house for the week, which is not a suitable environment for toddlers at all.  With all this shoddy three-decade-old wiring and failing balloon suspension, it's only a matter of time before all my years of neglect and poor handyman skills catch up with me. So I guess what I'm trying to ask is can I stay in your basement for a month?
-- Chester Busting, Red Deer, Ontario

  • A: Gee Whiz, I've already rented my basement to the Mole People. They constantly make a ruckus, though... so I may consider kicking them out.

  • Q: How do I send in my own questions to this greatly revered document?
-- Pero, Your Friendly Neighbourhood Procrastinator, Los Amigos City, Mexico
  • A: Send your questions to or, if you feel lucky,  You could also try emailing any other of the "Staff". at Jorry Berscuit. No matter where you live, Mexico, the badlands, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. 

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